Lonely<Alone

For the first time in 2 1/2 years, I feel completely alone.

Not lonely. There was a lot of lonely in the in-betweens. A lot of hanging up from a 3 hour call and wanting to cry. A lot of missed messages on the computer screens, when I saw that Meksakan had signed off only a minute or two before I had walked in.

But now I feel alone. It's so much worse than lonely. Lonely means you're missing somebody. I'm lonely, and missing him. But for the first time I wonder if he misses me? Enough to matter, anyways. Enough to help pull us out of this headlong nosedive. I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I would miss him enough. I know now that I do. Even with the crazy. Even with the grumpy. Even with the bullshit. Not having him for just this one day has wrecked me. I was supposed to feed cats today. I didn't. They'll have to wait until tomorrow. I was supposed to do a great job at work today. I didn't. I'm sure Jim will have complaints that are my doing. I was supposed to eat today. I didn't. I should eat tonight. I already know I won't. I should shower. I should sleep. I can't.

I cannot move. Think. Breathe.

All I can do is sit here, staring at the phone, hoping it will ring. That I'll pick it up and it will be him. All I can do is sit here, listening to the cars go by, hoping to hear that wheel with the lock turn into the lot. All I can do is sit here and think Dear God I've Ruined It. I've Lost Him. He's Gone.

It is ALL I can do to sit here and fight the hysteria that keeps creeping up the back of my throat. The utter panic at being suddenly alone.

The last few days have sucked...sooo bad.

Lost my keys...spent days searching for them. Found them in the middle of my desk in St Augustine. Now...my wallet is gone. Poof. Disappeared. This is such crap.

I am so starving right now...can't wait for Sam's but to get out of class so we can go eat!

We got out of practice yesterday...too many people hurt, not there, and just not feeling it. I went home and played on the computer for 3 hours, then went to bed at 8 30. I got about 10 hours of sleep and I am LOVING it. Today is Abbie's mini-part. I wish I had $ to get somethign for her, but she'll have to wait a lil bit for me to bestow it on her. I'm thinking I know what it is too. (if you're reading this, have fun guessing).

I the last of my first round of tests back today...another 100. I haven't gotten below a 90 yet. I am soo the bomb. GAH SO HUNGRY!!

Grrr...

I know I probably shouldn't...but I feel like such a tool right now. We got beat last night by Florida College, which sucked because we got outplayed, but then..blah. Sam tried to make me feel better, and he did, but then...gah. I know he's sick and everything but he just frustrates me sometimes. He brings all dirty laundry, nothing clean...I do it all for him...I found a pair of earrings ruined because there was water all over the sink where I left them and they rusted...and then I couldn't sleep for an hour after we went to bed because I didn't get to end the night as happily as he did, if you catch my drift. I know he's sick, but I don't understand if it makes him feel worse why he even starts. I brought it up this morning and he got all nasty about it...I'm just frustrated and irritated and tired and Grrr...

I miss my family. The more I start to see how long I have before I see them again....and how much money its going to cost to go back to MI...it starts to hurt. Hopefully my mom will be here sometime next month, and I think that will help me a lot. Still haven't talked to dad. I don't know how I feel about that. I know he'd probably buy the ticket for me easy, but I don't want it lorded over me like he has such a tendency to do.

On the upside, volleyball was actually fun this weekend. We have another match tonight, but unfortunately Vicki is going to be out due to a rolled ankle. I hope she gets better fast. We've  got a lot of front row players, but not a lot of height. We'll see how it plays out this weekend I guess.

I'm so hungry...I had a test in my last class, so I was done at 11:30...and Sam won't be out for another half hour or so. Crazyness. But then we have 3 hours to blow, so we'll probably go sit in my car and nap or something...he's been sick these last few days, all stuffy and whatnot. Poor thing.